Family & Culture

In Loving Memory of Our Sweet Angels

It’s painful to talk about a loss, especially the loss of a child.  I kept asking myself, how do I even begin? Because once the words are out there, everything that has been bottled up is bound to come out…the feelings, the emotions, the pain.  I’ve worked hard to hold it all in and be the shoulder to lean on for my family. That’s what good sisters do.  And I tried to put aside my own personal loss and anguish to get through the days.  But it’s time again.  Time to remember our little angels in heaven.  To pray for those they left behind.  To release the anger and questions, yet again, to find some semblance of peace in our hearts.

This is my family’s story.

I am the youngest of three girls.  My two older sisters, L. and D., are a year apart.  They have always been very close.  As I became older I was finally allowed in the “sister club”.  We became the Three Musketeers!  They were my best friends and they meant the world to me.  So when there was good news, we celebrated together.  And when there was bad news, we cried together.  

September 3rd, 2005, December 10th, 2007, and March 2008 we cried the hardest.

My sister L., the eldest, was so excited about being pregnant.  We were ALL excited.  She was going to be the best mom.  I knew that for a fact.  She practically raised us.  It was a given that  L. and her husband A. would be wonderful parents.  They were loving and giving.  They deserved the happiness and joy that a child brings to a family.  I think we never really saw it coming.  We were oblivious and never, not for one second, thought that this joy would end in tragedy.

I was living in Georgia at the time, L. was living in New York and D. was living in North Carolina.  That morning, at work, I received a call from D.  She was crying hysterically.  Immediately my heart froze.  I couldn’t understand what she was saying.  I don’t think I wanted to understand.  Her words rang in my ears, “L. lost the baby”.  

I was not there for my sister and I felt trapped.  So I took the next flight out of Atlanta and arrived at the hospital just a few hours later.  I walked into the hospital room shortly after L. gave “birth” to a precious little girl, Alexandra Milagros.   I had the privilege of holding this sweet angel and whispered to her how much we all loved her and that we would see her again one day.  As I held her I could not cry.  There were no tears.  I was too numb.  I stayed and prayed with my sister and brother-in-law.  I could not bring myself to leave.  I wanted to take all the pain away from my family.  It was impossible.

The funeral for Alejandrita was tough.  I couldn’t bring myself to say goodbye.  Then a few days later I was driving in the rain and this song came on: 

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Like my fathers come to pass
Seven years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Ring out the bells again
Like we did when Spring began
Wake me up when September ends

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Like my fathers come to pass
Twenty years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends
Wake me up when September ends
Wake me up when September ends

The song was “Wake Me Up When September Ends” by Green Day.  I pulled over and cried for a long time.  I was ready for September to end already.  It was too painful.

Within less than a year I was back living in New York and L. was blessed to be pregnant again.  She gave birth on February 20th, 2007 to twin boys, Michael and Matthew.  And D. gave birth to a little girl, Amelia, on March 16th, 2007.  They were the “light at the end of the tunnel” for all of us.  We had much to celebrate.  But the holes in our hearts were still there.  Someone was missing from this family of ours.  We knew who.

A few months after Michael, Matthew, and Amelia were born L. became pregnant again.  We were all thrilled.

On September 29th, 2007 Shaun and I were married.   It was a perfect day and my sister L. had that “pregnancy glow”.  She was on cloud 9 and we all celebrated the day.  No one knew what was to come.

On October 31st, 2007 we took the boys into town to go trick-o-treating.  I started to feel pretty sick and just brushed it off.  Flu season was on its way in so I figured that was the case.  Boy was I wrong!  I was pregnant.

On December 10th, 2007 I miscarried my little angel.  The baby was still developing and the sex had not yet been determined but I knew in my heart, in a mother’s heart, that she was my little girl.  My husband and I named her Olivia.  This is the first time that I am sharing her name.  I was so afraid to tell people because I didn’t want the strange looks or the comments, which came anyways.  People forget that from the moment you find out you’re pregnant that peanut growing inside of you is your baby, your life, your heart.  It didn’t matter how many weeks she was.  She was my sweet baby.  My heart was broken again.  I didn’t know how much more me and my family could take.  But we were tested yet again.

On March 5th, 2008 I received another call at work.  It was L. this time. She was at the hospital.  They could not hear the baby’s heartbeat.   She was supposed to be due any day now. 

Instead, L. gave “birth” to little princess Mia Alexandra.  The pain and anger wreaked havoc in all of us.  This was not something that was supposed to happen AGAIN!  How much did God think we could all take?

Seeing and holding Mia made me cry out in pain.  It was the pain of losing Mia, Alexandra, and my sweet Olivia.  This was something that time could not heal.  It would be with us forever. 

We stuck together and took care of each other.  The way we always have, as sisters.  Somehow we got through it.  Somehow we got through the days.  I firmly believe it was the children that helped us all.  We hugged them, loved them, and cherished every moment and thing that they did.  They were our hope.  All we could do was cling onto the hope that there would be better days and that our angels were in a better place. 

Today I still feel the pain and know that L. is still healing also.  I don’t think the healing ever ends.  

So to all of you I say:

Hold your children tight.

Love them.

Enjoy them.

They are a true gift and

should be cherished always.

 

In Loving Memory of Our Sweet Angels:

Alexandra Milagros

Mia Alexandra

Olivia

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Jennifer Hutcheson is the Owner and Editor of Mami 2 Mommy - a community where all moms can have a voice. She is a Latina mami of a 5-year-old boy, Shaun (aka Shaunsito) and wife to another incredible male in her life, Daddy Shaun. Currently a Digital Strategist/Social Media Consultant and a Freelance Writer her days are often filled with the joys of her crazy mami world and the passion for her work.

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10 COMMENTS

  • Liseth

    Amiga! My heart goes to you to hug you!
    We have gone through our share of losses, and we are still living with the fact that one of our little angels, even though is alive, is dying little by little every day. I understand the pain and impotence but one thing is certain, we have to support each other in our walks, our happiness and our losses.

    Our Angels will be waiting for us in a beautiful place where there are no tears, pain or suffering! Only the Glory and Mercy of a Loving God!

    May the Lord bless you and your family as you remember those difficult days.

    Liseth

  • Vanessa A

    Love, and Hugs to all of you!!!

    Vanessa

  • D.

    All I can say is that you brought tears to my eyes after reading this. I took a moment and prayed for all our family’s precious baby angels. They will NEVER be forgotten.

  • One of the blessings of writing is the solace it can bring in helping purge our pain. It only helps a little. But a little can help us get through the day. Sometimes that’s all we can do when a loss is so deep. Thank you for sharing this heartfelt memoir. I send my sympathies to you and your sisters. I’m glad to know you have each other.

  • Charlice

    I came on your website today just to check up on you like I usually do. You are one of the people who normally makes me smile, I wasn’t expecting to be in tears. My heart goes out to you and your family. This has just been a reminder to me how blessed we are to have our children. Okay, it is time for me to dry my tears.

  • Ms. Latina

    I understand your pain. I lost three, that is why there is a seven year gap between my boys. I can’t talk about the losses yet, except to say they were all boys. I regret alot but God is faithful. One day I will share but not now.

  • Mami Jennifer
    AUTHOR

    Thank you all for your comments, prayers, and for sharing.

    Ms. Latina – I hate that you have gone through this as well and if you ever want to talk I am here.

    Liseth- you know your nephew is in my prayers.

    Thank you again.

  • Daisy

    I was literally in tears after the first paragraph just because I could sense what was to come. I am the middle sister in your story and we too are 3. I live in PR and my sisters live in Texas and just like your story we all best friends. In fact my big sis and I were both pregnant at the same time this last year. It was hard being away from each other and thoughts kept running through my mind of what if something happened what would we do. Prior to being pregnant this last time my Sister lost her baby and it was so hard on me because I was so far I wanted to be there for her and comfort her and I cried so much for her.

    Now we both have our babies in our lives which are a week apart.

    Thank you for sharing your story…stay strong and you are in my prayers.

  • Sandra

    What a touching story, and unfortunately one that I too have experianced. I had 3 miscarriages before the birth of my son. It is something that a woman never forgets. However, we can all remember that God’s promises are faithful and true (Rev 21:3,4. My thoughts are with you and all the other women in our situation right now. xoxo

  • Grissell

    Om I am totally balling reading your blog. I lost my nephew in 2005 at the age of 3 from a dentist appointment and all of us have still not recovered from it. To read your words just brought out all those emotions that we try to hide for so long.

    I understand the heartache you feel. Big hug and kisses.

    Grissell

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