Our son, Shaunsito, is now 5-years-old. When I was pregnant with him and right after he was born, all that my husband and I spoke about was getting pregnant again. We thought we had plenty of time and didn’t think much of it until 2 years ago when we started to realize that we had yet to conceive. A lot of factors have probably affected us and prevented us from getting pregnant right away but we had to start facing the fact that maybe I wouldn’t be able to get pregnant again.
I always thought that if our opportunity to get pregnant again was gone that it was God’s way of telling me that our family was complete. And yes, I love our family of three but there’s always been this little voice that kept telling me otherwise. I see our son growing up and I am so proud of what a beautiful child he has turned out to be. But my heart aches many times over when I think about how time is passing us by and one day he won’t need his parents around. I know it is still so far ahead but it feels like tomorrow for me. By no means am I thinking that getting pregnant will be a replacement for Shaunsito but I feel like we have so much more love to give and have always imagined a bigger family. I just can’t shake these feelings.
So, for the past 2 years we have been planning and praying to get pregnant. And every month I seem to get the same pregnancy symptoms I had when I was pregnant with Shaunsito and with the pregnancy I miscarried before him. What has been emotionally draining and confusing is that these have also been the symptoms of PMS for me. Once I realized that my cycle had in fact started, I’d cry on and off for the next few days. Two years on this monthly, emotional roller-coaster has taken its toll.
Finally I decided to head to the doctor and my OB-GYN. That turned up many questions about whether I could in fact get pregnant at all. Words like FSH levels, AMH, ovarian reserve and premenopausal were thrown around. The possibility of a a thyroid issue or ovarian cyst, among other things, were ruled out. The one thing that was confusing was not knowing if my estrogen levels or eggs were where they should be at my age. The thought never crossed my mind that it could be too late but it was quite possible my body was telling me differently.
As I sat in the exam room the window to getting pregnant felt like it was closing quickly on me.
With still very few answers, I headed home and waited on some more test results. Those also weren’t terribly helpful. My next call was to a fertility specialist.
My husband was ill with a gastrointestinal virus so I had no choice but to go to my appointment alone this past Thursday. I was a bundle of nerves and showed up 10 minutes late. The doctor was terribly busy that day and they almost didn’t take me, but I think the receptionist saw the tears start to form and my shaky voice gave me away. Next thing I knew, I was meeting with the doctor.
I came out of the appointment feeling a little more positive about my situation. He didn’t believe in vitro fertilization was necessary just yet but we would have to wait until Saturday, the day my cycle was scheduled to begin, to schedule more blood work and determine our next steps.
Saturday has come and gone. No period. Just spotting since Friday. Today is Sunday, same thing.
I refuse to go and purchase a pregnancy test because I’m terrified that if I take it, it will come up negative. I’ll be thrown back into my whirlwind of crying and depression for the next few days. I can’t afford to fall apart right now, my son graduates this week. If my period comes naturally I’ll try to take it in stride, but if I push the matter I will only be angry at myself for even allowing the possibility of being pregnant into my head.
I don’t know what’s in store for me, I continue to have faith, but at the same time I’ve set my expectations real low. I want to try and focus on the amazing family I do have now. On the beautiful son in front of me playing Minecraft. The only tears I want to shed this week are tears of joy when I see my little Shaunsito graduating from school. He is my heart.
But truth be told, some of those tears will be for a child that doesn’t yet exist and may never.
I hope I’m wrong.